Smaller

i have a pair of jeans that should fit me, but they don’t. when they do fit me i’ll know that i’m at the weight i want to be at. wish me luck heh

i just walked around my house for 45 minutes sobbing. that’s really pathetic.

all i want is someone to rub my back.

i’m fat and disgusting and fat and fat and disgusting and fat and fat and disgusting and fat and fat and disgusting and fat and fat and disgusting and fat and fat and disgusting and fat and fat and disgusting fat and disgusting and fat and fat and repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive  repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive  repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive  repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive  repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive repulsive sick

personal, boring vent

when i was about 5 or 6, my friend and i went into the bathroom together. i wanted to pee first, so i pulled my pants down and sat on the toilet. as i sat down, my friend pointed at my thighs and said “they’re huge!.” in first grade or so, i tried to sing for one of my friends because at that age most little girls want to be singers or actresses. she told me i couldn’t carry a tune if it had a handle on it. both instances are pretty funny in retrospect, but i think that they started some of my insecurities (or at least exacerbated them on top of chemical imbalances that i was at the time, unaware i had.)

during middle school dances or any situation that involved a lot of people dancing, singing.. talking, i opted out of because i felt awkward and inadequate. i also developed an odd fixation with ankles - mine were too fat and they needed to have more indentation, otherwise i wasn’t good enough. i could never show my ankles or thighs because they were just too big. i would only wear baggy pants, pj pants, and large boys athletics shorts. in middle school, i had a boyfriend that tried to convice me to take my pants off - i said no, no i don’t want to. but why not? well my thighs are too big and i’m embarassed. no no no i’m sure they’re just fine. he lifts my shorts up (they’re loose, baggy basketball shorts) and says “oh, you’re right they are kinda big.”

now, i know that i’m a relatively small girl, and more recently i have bursts of self confidence and i can see that i have a lovely body and a lovely personality, but at the same time i am increasingly looking at my legs and i see that they’re not the right shape, they don’t curve how i want them to. and my stomach is softer and flabbier than it used to be, small rolls form when i bend to the side or forward. my arms are turning into bat wings. my cheeks are getting chubbier, eyes closer, smaller, beadier, and i see that i look like a weird pale chimp with hair in odd places. i know that really, i do look just fine. i am an attractive girl. and believing that i am makes me more attractive. it’s just hard to keep believing that all the time.